Fairy Tales of the Absurd script excerpt
from "One Head Too Many"

ONE HEAD TOO MANY

by Edward Einhorn

 

NARRATOR

Once upon a time, in a kingdom on the other side of the universe, there lived a Princess named Lilla-ma-Lilly-ma-Lally-ma-Lo.  But everyone called her Princess Lilla, because really, that’s the only reasonable thing to do when someone has such a ridiculous name.  Princess Lilla was a perfectly beautiful Princess—as were her two younger sisters, Princess Filla-ma-Filly-ma-Fally-ma-Fo and Princess Gilla-ma…well, you get the picture.  The Queen was very proud of the princesses’ royal syllables, since she and the King were both simply named Jo.

These princesses were the most beautiful girls in the kingdom.  They had to be.  Their parents had passed a law.  As a result, every girl who had a chance to be as pretty as Princesses L, F or G deliberately uglified herself, so that she would not be considered more beautiful than the Princesses.  Fortunately, the princesses really were extraordinarily pretty, with faces bright and shiny and hands that were soft and blue.  But just in case, all the even somewhat pretty girls in the kingdom left their hair in tangles and their dresses in tatters.  Some particularly pretty girls blacked their teeth and drew on fake scars.  And nobody, but nobody, with beautiful blue hands like the Princesses’, went out of doors without green gloves (green hands were definitely not considered attractive).

Their parents had a secret worry, however, despite their daughters’ beauty.

PRINCESS LILLA

Daddy, why do you and mother always look at my neck so queerly?

KING JO

Just checking, dear.

PRINCESS LILLA

Checking what?

KING JO

Oh, nothing.  Um, you haven’t grown any extra, um, heads, lately, that you haven’t told us about.

PRINCESS LILLA

No.  No, I haven’t.  Why do you always ask me that?  No one else checks their children’s necks for extra heads, as far as I know.

QUEEN JO

Well, you can never be too careful.

KING JO

Now, if you do grow an extra head, you will mention it, won’t you dear?

PRINCESS LILLA

Yes, if I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a hundred times, I’ll tell you if I grow an extra head.

QUEEN JO

Because remember you grew that pimple once, and you didn’t tell us for two days.

PRINCESS LILLA

It was just a pimple.

KING JO

It could have been a tiny head.

PRINCESS LILLA

It wasn’t a head!

KING JO

You can never be too careful.

QUEEN JO

You know, it will soon be marrying time.  And princes don’t like girls with too many heads.  Isn’t that true, dear?

KING JO

Yes, if your mother had had two or three heads when I met her, I might not have noticed how beautiful she was.

PRINCESS LILLA

Would it be too much to ask if one day went by without your giving me a lecture about growing a new head!

QUEEN JO

Yes, dear.  Sorry, dear.  Why don’t you go and play?

NARRATOR

After Princess Lilla left, her parents looked at each other and sighed with worry.  You see, years ago, in order to overcome King Jo’s mother’s objections to his future wife, King Jo had made a deal with a witch. For Queen Jo had not always been Queen Jo.  She had not even been Princess Jo, once long ago.  She had been just plain Jo, and she had been a scullery maid in the palace.  Now, though Jo was just a scullery maid, she was thought to be the most beautiful girl in the kingdom, because of her smooth, bald head and, of course, her soft, blue hands.  And King Jo, who had never been just plain Jo, but was in fact Prince Jo at the time, took many sidelong glances at the future Queen Jo when he passed her in the hall.

KING JO

Mother—

NARRATOR

He was speaking to his mother, Queen Zilda, at the time.

KING JO

I want to marry Jo.

QUEEN ZILDA

You want to marry yourself?

KING JO

No, not myself.  Jo.

QUEEN ZILDA

But that’s your name.  You can’t marry yourself, dear.  All the other kings will laugh.

KING JO

I don’t want to marry myself.

QUEEN ZILDA

I’m glad that reason won out.  You’re not exactly the brightest prince, but you do come around eventually.

KING JO

I want to marry Jo.

QUEEN ZILDA

Dear, we just discussed this.  You can’t marry—

KING JO

Not me.  Girl Jo.

QUEEN ZILDA

Well, that’s an improvement, I suppose.  But I don’t know any princesses named Jo.

KING JO

She’s not a princess.  She’s a scullery maid.

QUEEN ZILDA

I see.  You know, dear, maybe marrying yourself wasn’t such a bad idea.  Some kings pull off madness quite well, actually.

KING JO

No, I want to marry Jo.  She smells so wonderful, just like flowers and disinfectant.

QUEEN ZILDA

I don’t think this is a good idea at all, dear.  She is not meant to be a queen.  If you make her one, she will miss all that scrubbing and hard work.  She’ll long for the days she was elbow deep in soapy water, and she’ll ask you to allow her to put back on her rags.  You should marry Princess Xxyta, instead.  She’s quite fond of you, you know, and she has a kingdom that it takes two or three days to walk through, rather than a single afternoon.  She will not resent you for taking her away from her drudgery.

KING JO

No.  Princess Xxyta is not nearly as pretty as Jo.  And I would never learn how to spell her name.  Jo’s name is easy to spell.  It’s spelled G-O, just like mine.

QUEEN ZILDA

That’s J-O, dear.

KING JO

Oh, yes, J-O.  You see, I’ve learned it already.  I’ll spell it again.  G-O.

QUEEN ZILDA

J-O, dear.

KING JO

That’s what I meant, J-O.  Oh Mother, I love her so much, I could spell her name all day long.

QUEEN ZILDA

In time, you’ll grow tired of that.  And Jo’s beauty will fade.  My hands were blue once, too.  But as I grew older they grew greener, as most women’s hands do.  Marry Princess Xxyta.  No matter what, a big kingdom lasts forever.