SCENE 3
SERACH
Yes. You’re the oldest man there is.
METHUSELAH
I made up a word for it once. Antediluvian. I’m antediluvian. Everybody else is postdiluvian, but I’m antediluvian.
SERACH
You
didn’t make it up. That was someone
else.
METHUSELAH
No. That’s impossible. Somebody else made up a word that only applies to me? Who else would make a word like that up? Was it you?
SERACH
No. I don’t know who it was.
METHUSELAH
It
must have been my handmaidens.
SERACH
You
never had handmaidens.
METHUSELAH
I had them once. Maybe they weren’t antediluvian. They must have been postdiluvian.
SERACH
No. They were neither.
METHUSELAH
Wait, I remember now. Gomorrah! Oh, that was a time. Talk about a fin de siecle feeling. And Lot was the worst of us.
(The DOCTOR enters, with his arms around the HANDMAIDENS.)
DOCTOR
Hey,
old man, how are you doing?
METHUSELAH
Who
are these two beautiful women?
DOCTOR
To
tell the truth, old man, they’re my two daughters, but you’d never know it,
hey?
METHUSELAH
Your
daughters? And the three of you are...
DOCTOR
They tricked me into it. Got me so drunk I didn’t know what I was doing, or who I was doing it with, if you know what I mean.
SERACH
Wait,
I thought that happened after Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed.
METHUSELAH
Pedant.
DOCTOR
So,
you going to the big party Friday night?
METHUSELAH
Which
one? It seems like all we have around
here are big parties.
DOCTOR
This one’s even bigger. They’ll have everyone there. I mean everyone. Sodomites, Gomorrhists. We’ll all get to know one another, as the biblical saying goes.
METHUSELAH
I don’t know. I think God might disapprove. He’s can be kind of uptight about this kind of thing, I’ll tell you from experience. I told you the story of the great flood—
DOCTOR
Yeah, yeah, yeah, we’ve all heard. But he promised never to do that again, didn’t he? So we’re safe.
METHUSELAH
I
guess...
DOCTOR
They’ll
be handmaidens there.
METHUSELAH
Handmaidens?
DOCTOR
By
the handful.
METHUSELAH
What
time’s the party?
(The HANDMAIDENS leave DOCTOR, line up behind METHUSELAH. There’s a lighting change. Music cuts in.)
DOCTOR
And
now announcing Methuselah and the Methusalettes.
METHUSELAH
Ain’t
gonna die,
Just
gonna live,
‘Cause
I’ve got plenty more
Lovin’
to give
Hope
the kiddies
Remember
my name,
But
I’m gonna be here
Just
the same
‘Cause
I’m Methuselah
HANDMAIDENS
He’s
Methuselah
METHUSELAH
I’m
old Methuselah
HANDMAIDENS
He’s
Methuselah
METHUSELAH
I’m
Methuselah, baby, and I’m gonna live some more.
Lived
through the plague
Lived
through the flood
Many
a foe has
Wanted
my blood
Stab
me to death
Cut
off my head
Dammit
that old man
Should
be dead
But
I’m Methuselah
HANDMAIDENS
He’s
Methuselah
METHUSELAH
I’m
old Methuselah
HANDMAIDENS
He’s
Methuselah
METHUSELAH
I’m
Methuselah, baby, and I’m gonna live some more.
Maybe
some day
I’m
gonna be sick
Call
in the doctor
Gets
here real quick
Tells
me my life’s
Soon
at an end
I
say doctor you do not
Comprehend
That
I’m Methuselah
HANDMAIDENS
He’s
Methuselah
METHUSELAH
I’m
old Methuselah
HANDMAIDENS
He’s
Methuselah
METHUSELAH
I’m
Methuselah, baby, and I’m gonna live some more.
(Music ends. METHUSELAH turns to SERACH.)
That’s
what I call a song. Not that stupid
Gershwin stuff.
(HANDMAIDEN 1 runs over to him, hands him a pad, which he autographs.)
What’s
your name, darling?
HANDMAIDEN 2
Hagar.
METHUSELAH
And
what do you do, Hagar?
HANDMAIDEN 2
I’m
just a handmaiden.
METHUSELAH
Really?
SERACH
It’s amazing. The oldest living human, and you’re still having the same fantasies you had at sixteen.
METHUSELAH
Have
you seen Lot around here, tonight?
HANDMAIDEN 2
I
think he left, already.
METHUSELAH
He
left? Where did he go?
HANDMAIDEN 2
Some
angel came by, I think.
METHUSELAH
An
angel? Why did an angel come by?
HANDMAIDEN 2
I don’t know. Something about us all being sinful, and having to destroy our whole city. He said there weren’t even ten good men. If there were ten good men, he said, he’s save the city. I said, you’ve been going to the wrong parties. Come to one of mine, and I’ll show you ten good men. He didn’t even laugh. You know how those angels can be.
(HANDMAIDEN 1 runs over.)
HANDMAIDEN 1
Can
I have your autograph?
METHUSELAH
So
he’s left the city?
HANDMAIDEN 2
I
think so. Why?
METHUSELAH
I’ve
got to go.
HANDMAIDEN 1
But
the party’s just beginning. It’s going
to last all night.
METHUSELAH
Come
with me. Both of you. I can save you. God’s going to destroy the city.
HANDMAIDEN 2
I
know, I heard. Kaaa-pow!.
HANDMAIDEN 1
Kaaa-poo-eee!
METHUSELAH
I’m
serious.
HANDMAIDEN 1
Then
you’d better come with me. I don’t want
to die a virgin.
HANDMAIDEN 2
Me
neither.
METHUSELAH
Listen, you have to believe me. I’ve seen him do worse. Come with me, before it’s too late.
HANDMAIDEN 2
But it’s already too late. That angel said the city’s going to be destroyed at midnight. It’s one minute to midnight now.
METHUSELAH
So
we have one minute?
HANDMAIDENS
Uh
huh.
(METHUSELAH steps away from HANDMAIDENS. They grab drinks, and start laughing.)
METHUSELAH
I
renounce this city, it’s sins, and everything within it!
(The HANDMAIDENS suddenly freeze. METHUSELAH walks over to them and touches them tentatively. They are immobile. He licks his finger. He looks over to SERACH.)
Salt. They were just salt.
SERACH
I
know.
METHUSELAH
I hear the town was destroyed behind me, destroyed in fire and brimstone. If I had looked back, I would have become a pillar of salt, myself.
SERACH
But
you didn’t.
METHUSELAH
Because I couldn’t bear to think of all those people, frozen there. How could I have renounced them all? I was one of them. And then I doomed them.
SERACH
You
didn’t doom them. You saved yourself.
METHUSELAH
I would have doomed them, if I had to, to save myself. I would have turned them into salt myself, to save my own skin.
SERACH
They
were wicked.
METHUSELAH
So
was I.
SERACH
You
didn’t do anything. You didn’t do
anything wrong.
METHUSELAH
I
told myself I couldn’t die, I had so much more to achieve. Have I achieved it yet?
SERACH
You
still have time.
(METHUSELAH falls onto the floor, having convulsions.)
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